yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
