she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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