I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize