I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
