I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
