Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
