all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
