Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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