Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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