Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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