We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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