How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
