i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
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i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
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Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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