remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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