she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
