Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
