hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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