Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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