You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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