I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
