I'm drive I can fine osifer
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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