I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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