so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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