I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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