Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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