My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
