Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
