ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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