This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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