I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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