By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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