oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
