hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
