I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
