I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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