Need sex. Gaining weight.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
