My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
