Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
