this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
