At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
