I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Did I show you my penis last night?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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