You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
