I feel like abortions should bother me more
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
This is classic penis vs brain.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
