it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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