Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
