OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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