The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There r osticjed everywhere
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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