oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
