I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The uberlube is also flammable
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
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