Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
