a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
She just used a chaser for red wine.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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