She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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