I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
